First crush, Second crush

Just scrolled through my facebook and realised that my childhood crush is getting married soon
Kinda sad though
Although he is my childhood crush, I still thought to myself why didn't I try to even be his friend

Then my second crush
That second crush was kinda hard to get over though
First was that I was his friend first
I liked him a lot
Became friends with him
Developed a deep crush on him
Then he went to date my younger sister
Really heart broken though
I mean I understand she is much prettier than me
But I really wished that I had a chance with him

And when they were together, after my sister slept, he would call me
To chat with me
Talked a lot about my sister but we did talked about something else
He was very gentle
Very humble, very good guy
I stayed in friendzone with him

Then when my sister and him broke up
We drifted apart
I didn't have courage to ask him out
And it was forbidden to date my sister's ex
And now when I see him with someone else
There's always a pang in my heart
He was someone that went past crush

And I wondered if we did actually start
Maybe we'd still be together

Anxiety and Depression

What I think about my mild anxiety and my depression is that even though people say they understand or would help, they actually really don't mean it
In the past years, sometimes I really want to go out to enjoy with my friends, but in my mind at the last minute it will just pull out
I find it very difficult to overcome it especially with my university

I am in Australia
A country which no doubt understands more about these things than my own country
And facing this problem alone isn't easy
I try and try and try to overcome it
Sometimes I am able to stand up
But sometimes I get knock back down
And what made me even more frustrated and more anxious is that
The university that I'm in doesn't even care
I asked for a second chance, and the look they gave me was so bad that I thought to myself that I do not deserve to study anymore
The tone they gave me was so filled disgust that I felt so low of myself

The first time I walk into this university, I love it
But sometimes things happen
Bad things happen no matter how much I try to control it
I tried and tried and tried to overcome it
And with some stress and pressure the anxiety finally took over
I was too afraid to go to classes
I was too afraid of people approaching me that I didn't even want to step into the university
It is also because I was afraid of doing something new
I had a part time job, my job I do it repeatedly so it was not new
I like it
And my university, I was alone
When I needed help, I felt scared to ask for it
Thats when everything fall apart

The staff was no help at all
And now all I want is somebody to give me a chance to finish what I started

My Wish before I Leave

Before I leave this world
My biggest wish will be visiting Disney World Orlando
Visiting all the parks within disney world, and they have a few of them
Get on all the ride, the roller coasters and the kiddy ones
Also watch the the shows they have
Watch all the parades
And get my picture taken with all the disney characters
And if I can, vlog everything!!!

Besides that, I'd also like to go to Universal Studios Orlando
I WILL enjoy a whole day or 2 days in the Harry Potter world
Then I will enjoy the rest of the universal studio rides
And I would like to overcome my fear by sitting on all the extreme rides, even the ones I know will give me a mini heart attack
If I can, I will save enough money to buy my potterhead products!!!
I want a lot of things from Harry Potter world!!
I am a Sirius potterhead :)


ps: song of the day Once Again by Mad Clown & Kim Na Young


xoxo
Winter

Post 2: Some Days are Better

Some days are better but most days are not
On the better days, whatever I convince myself to do, I'd be able to do it
I could also go out for a walk or walking to the groceries store to buy what I needed
I'd clean the house, wash the clothes
Though that better days always seem to dim later on in the day
I'd receive a text message from my mom or sister or a call from them, lecturing me or pressuring me about something
Lately it's about money and my studies
While I do love both of them more so my mom, but I do feel trap all the time and hopeless

Even during better days, I'd wake up slightly earlier than I normally would but still never before noon
I read somewhere it says that because some people are unhappy thats why it's like that
I'm not entirely unhappy
I wake up very early, thinking what goal will I achieve today, then I start thinking of the what ifs
What if I don't get it? What if I run out of money? What if they look down on me? What if I can't catch up?
I know that I'm long overdue certain things in my life that I need to settle
It's just that I do not have enough positive motivation to do it
Positive because if I overthink will bad outcomes, I tend to sink back into my bed

The Start of First Blog

I have a mind that can think of the consequences whenever I'm doing something
Sometimes it over thinks
I don't hear voices in my head, it is my own thoughts
And I know what it's saying and I agree

Sometimes I do feel I am an extra in this world
How perfectly imperfect I am
Doesn't matter which god I believe in, I do think that I am a mistake
I do think that I am a small mistake created by god

Most of the time now I feel lonely
I feel that I am alone in everything
And that no one backs me up
I am being cornered by everyone around me, by people who says that they love me
Sometimes when I'm quiet, I see their backs
But whenever I speak up, I see them all turning around, backing me to a wall, no where to escape
I do believe that I am never truly loved by anyone
I do believe that most of them gang up together to see how will I fall

Nowadays during the nights, I would silently cry alone
The man who said he love me, all the time I cry he is just beside me, but he doesn't hear me
I think of all the times I try to be good, I try my best to show that I got what it takes to be cared for
But every time I fall, I get criticise for making the wrong decision
How can I stand up when whenever I do, I get push back down?

I am not afraid of dying
For one day, everyone would still need to leave this world anyway


ps: Song of the day ( found in facebook surprisingly) - My heart I surrender by I Prevail